The Truth: Living With A Chronic Illness
Why are my fingers going white and numb whenever I'm cold? Why am I in so much physical pain? Why does lifting twenty pounds feel like I'm lifting one hundred pounds? Why am I constantly fatigued even when I didn't even workout? These are all questions I had before finding out I was diagnosed with a chronic illness earlier in March after I was in the hospital. Still to this day it's hard to figure out what's wrong and have control of my health. Some days are super difficult for me. To be honest I was in denial about being diagnosed with a chronic illness. How could someone who is so healthy and strong be sick forever? These were my thoughts. When I was diagnosed I began to detach myself from my feelings and I would tell myself to suck it up. Deep down I knew I wasn't okay. It's difficult to go from being so strong physically and mentally, to having your confidence and physical strength basically be knocked down.
Many of you know me as being a positive person and I try my hardest to stay positive all the time. I honestly didn't feel like myself. I wasn't positive cause I wasn't getting positive feedback from medical tests and I became more sad. I started to withdraw myself from people I love because I felt like every time I talked to them I was just a Debbie Downer and I didn't want people to feel sorry for me, so I didn't talk about it. There were nights where I would just cry myself to sleep and pray before bed. I shut myself out from things, people, and living life, cause I lived in fear. Fear of getting even a paper cut cause I can bleed out, fear of going out to do fun activities cause I might get hurt or develop a bruise, fear of being in the sun cause I might pass out. All these damn fears and I was like this is no way to live. I'm done living in fear. I'm 23 I should be out and about enjoying life doing things I love.
Everyday from the moment I wake up it's a challenge. I always preach about being grateful I am alive and functioning. When I was in the hospital one thing I realized was never take a sunset for granted. I decided to take matters into my own hands and research how to try and cure myself. I have no problem changing my diet, so that's the first thing I did. I try to treat food as my medicine. That's why I try to make healthy recipes. I also try to build my strength back up, whether that means I do 10 mins of yoga or 30 mins on the recumbent bike when I'm able to.
I realized that Lupus won't define who I am and take over my life, so I wake up and fight through the pain. Also I know some people wonder if I got sick from competing in shows that's a nope, I'm not sure what the cause of lupus is, but I've been told it can be from genetics and high tests of ANA in your blood, so basically lupus attacks healthy cells and organs in your body. Thrombocytopenia ( ITP a blood disorder of low platelets) is a side effect from the lupus which causes me to feel super tired and other side effects, in extreme cases you can bleed out internally. Platelets are cells in your blood that help with clotting, like if you were to get a cut. For example, my blood vessels burst in some instances which is very painful if the platelets get extremely low. There's no cure for lupus yet, but tomorrow I start my first treatment to help with symptoms like ITP. I'm scared as poop, but I'm brave and strong.
I usually don't post personal things on social media because I think privacy is key. However, on social media I always talk about my fitness journey, so I guess I am writing this blog because I want people to know that you are not alone if you are dealing with a chronic illness. I want to tell people it's okay to have an illness and still live your life. You're not a freak or a weirdo or a contagious sick person and if people think you are then those people don't belong in your life. Some days are hard as bleeeeeep (had to keep it PG cause I know kids read my blogs lol) and some days are really great! Remember there is always a new day tomorrow. Please don't lose faith. I had the warrior mentality before being diagnosed and now I still have that warrior mentality just have to dig a bit deeper inside and fight.
My dad always told me to be a role model and I hope my story inspires you to keep going. Whatever struggle you are going through keep going and don't give up. If anyone has questions, needs someone to talk to, or if you have any suggestions to help fight against chronic illness like lupus please feel free to message me! Thank you for reading my blogs!
P.S. I want to thank the people in my life who have checked up on me, whether you're family, friends, or people on social media that follow me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart it means a lot to me especially going through difficult times.
